This past weekend we drove to Atlanta for a little get-together with some of Eric's high school friends. It was a short weekend trip. We left the house at 5 on Friday and got to Atlanta around 12:40 AM and were back home by 7 PM on Sunday. Lots of sitting in the car.
Friday night I drove. The whole way. Yep, I'm good. Somewhere between Columbia and Augusta Eric's eyes closed and it was just me and the music. The music of choice at the time was Switchfoot's "The Beautiful Letdown". I love driving to Switchfoot. I am thankful for cruise or I would have really been speeding though! I am not one that usually gets caught up in music for soul searching inspiration and am rarely moved emotionally by music. Probably hasn't happened since the first time after my grandparents died and we sang the Doxology at church. I wept big time. More for the missing of my grandparents and the memories of being at church with them than the actual music. But I digress.
Friday night, Switchfoot and my mind trying to stay awake during the late hours, the darkness outside, and the peacefulness of sleeping babies. So begins my thinking about how I live.
"we were made to live for so much more" My babies were asleep in the backseat. I begin to think, "Am I doing 'more' than I have to? Am I doing just what it needed to make it until Eric gets home in the evenings? Am I doing enough guiding and nurturing of my precious munchkins? What 'more' could I be doing in order to make their lives more fruitful?"
"this is your life, are you who you want to be" Am I the Mommy I want to be? If you had asked me in high school who I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was: An architect in New York living in a loft style apartment with my big black dog and my black F-150. I was an architect major for two semesters. I have never been to New York city. I have two cats. I have driven my dad's F-150, but it isn't black. Is this where I saw myself years ago? Honestly, no. Having been told at one point that having kids would be out of the question without some sort of medical help, I would have laughed if you told me I was going to be a stay-at-home mom of two and got those two without any medical aid. Saying all that, I love my life. Yes there are days I think it would be nice to be working and having a break from the kids. But then Kathryn says, "I want you Mommy."
"I want more than just ok, more than just ok... more than fine, more than bent on getting by, more than fine, more than just ok" This really says it. I do want more than just getting by. More than just making it until nap time or bed time. I want to enjoy every moment with my kids. I want my day to be more than Mickey Mouse and Toy Story. I want to be able to be that "super mom" so my kids ask, "what are we doing today?" not "I watch one more Mickey Mouse please." I want more than just getting by daily. I want to love my days. I want to "do" and enjoy it.
"I dare you to move" God has been telling me this for months. Move. Get up. Stop believing that you aren't prepared for this being-a-mom thing. On our drive back, Eric reiterated this also. I am prepared. I can do this. I am smart. I can teach my children what they need to know. I want to see how my children change if I change. Now it is time to move.
I know I have taken these lines out of context in someway or another. But driving while all other eyes in the car are closed, these are the lines that made me think. Like I said, I don't get emotional over music very easy and not to say I got emotional that night either, but I did start to think. Now that I have thought, here is the doing.
My goals:
I will limit tv time for both the kids and me. I usually turn on HGTV when the kids are napping. I will resit the urge.
I will provide more structure and routine for the kids. Toddlers like routine. We really don't have much of one besides the Disney Channel & PBS line-ups. I will spend the next day or so trying new activities in hopes of finding our routine.
I will be more creative... with meals, with play time, starting Kathryn with crafts, and interacting the kids together.
I won't just get by until bedtime. I will enjoy all the craziness.
I will keep my temper in check. I tend to blow up. (I need to apologize to my in-laws who heard my temper this weekend and to my precious Kathryn who was the target of my screaming. I am truly sorry for my behavior Sunday morning.) Maybe I need to start the Fairy Mary counting until I speak... worked for her & Tinker Bell.
I will love my family. I will spend more quality time with my kids. I will get my kids to bed on time, if not earlier, to spend time with my husband.
I will seek God. I will trust Him to guide me. I will lead my children in His ways and teach them there is a God who guides & directs. I will read my bible instead of (or in addition to) doing Sudoku before bed.
I will try to be more than I am. I will long for more than just getting by. And I will move.
4 comments:
Such an inspiring post, Jenn. You have really reiterated some of the thoughts I myself have been thinking lately. Too often I just throw my girls in front of Dora in order to get the basic cleaning done instead of taking the time to try to teach them (especially Corrine who is totally capable) about the things that I am doing. It also just occurred to me the other day that Corrine is getting old enough to be able to do some crafts and things that I see and think "someday I want to do that with my kids." Thanks for posting your thoughts and reminding me that it isn't an insurmountable goal and I'm not alone in trying to figure this whole "Super mom" thing out!
I'll be praying for you Jen and this will be a great chance to grow in relying on Christ's strength as well! The whole Super Mom myth is hard to let go of, but don't let that slow you down. As your kids get older and attention spans longer, I have found it easier to add in activities. Also, when you lose your temper, apologizing to our kids also teaches them that we ALL need forgiveness. You are the right Mom for these kids and its a continual process of learning to be the best Mom - be encouraged:-)
What an inspiring journal. You about had me in tears! Stay encouraged and remember there will always be days where you need to just take a break.
It was so nice talking with you at the get-together this weekend. I don't know if you feel this way, but Eric and Michael's friends are so nice that I wish we could all get to know each other more! :-) I hear you about wanting to do more as a mother. It seems to be a constant work in progress for all moms at every stage. At least, that's what I try to tell myself... :-)
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