somebody pray for me!

I'm warning those of you who don't really know me, you are about to learn about the dark side of Jennifer.

Kathryn has hit the terrible twos... rebellion, hitting, telling us no, pushing other children at church, flat out just looking at us tell her not to do something and doing it with that mischievous grin. I colored my hair a couple of weeks ago to wash out the grays and it doesn't look like I touched it. I am getting so frustrated that as I sit here typing my hands are shaking and my heart is racing. I yell. If you know me well, you know that I yell and I have a temper. I like to hit. I really need to find a racquetball court... preferably one without glass walls because I can't really play but I love to hit that little blue ball has hard as possible.

Kathryn has Mommy's temper and stubbornness. After the fifth, sixth, I don't know because I lost track, time of trying to get her to go down for a nap and her crawling out trying to be cute, I shut the door... for real. I've never put her in a room and completely shut the door. She can't get out. She's crying. Which makes me even more on edge. And the stupid cat will NOT get out of my face! He's next. Yes, it is early for her usual nap time (2:30). But I have what will likely turn out to be a waste of time doctor's appointment at 3:45 and I'm taking Kathryn to a friend's house to play. She needs to nap or she will be a larger pill than normal. We got home from MOPS and she was tired. I told her after lunch was nap time. She finished her mac & cheese asked "Kathryn get out please please please Mommy". I mean, three pleases, I had to let her out. She tells me it is nap time and she heads to her room. I'm thinking this is easy. Oh my I could so beat her butt. But she would just tell me "no mommy don't do that" and proceed to hit me back. I'm being taught by my child that isn't even two. I get frustrated and mad and I spank. We've tried time outs, but do you seriously think that works? Ha!

I need help and prayer. I know part of her problem is me. I know that I have anger problems and expect her to be this wonderful little angel. I mean she looks that way when she is sleeping so why the big jump to bully when she is awake. me. I need an attitude and heart adjustment. I need a clear and level head. I need that peace that Jesus so clearly offers but I can't seem to hold on to. I need to figure this out soon before I say things to her that I regret for years. I know I am capable of saying such things as thoughts of things I said to my brother years and years ago haunt me still. I need and desire for an embrace of wisdom and love that I can share with Kathryn and be ready to share with Andrew. I want my children to know that Jesus is even more caring than Mommy but want them to be awed by that because of the love that I show them.

I am asking for help. I am asking my prayer warrior gals out there to stand beside me as try to cling onto the heels of Jesus and break my anger and temper and be able to discipline my children with love and correction.